Maybe Love Do Need To Start From First, Ourselves.

Here is a raw, unedited version of an intended “Note to self’ one mid morning, on 14th October 2016, some days before or after, ( can’t remember which) I made one of the bigger decisions in my life and I thought I share it. This is highly personal, something I didn’t think I would share at any point,  but then again, being personal is part and parcel of me. So if you want to know what and how my thoughts run at any point in time, here’s what it somewhat looks like on a daily basis. 


I woke up one fine Monday morning to a really queasy stomach which was either from the wine I had the night before – or due to a feeling that came because of a realization I had before I fell asleep.

Granted, my alcohol tolerance has drastically reduced since my younger days of massive drinking. However I also knew that the feeling I was feeling at that moment was a feeling of realization, not a very comfortable one, in fact, one that I am not sure how to sit with.

It was a realization that people, things, situations, and events one chooses to actively participate in are not here to compensate you for what you think is your miserable existence, but to add to you and who you already are. 

While that knowledge is a well known fact amongst self lovers, and people keenly practicing what is known as spiritual development and self help development, however wait till you practice this in the love department. 

The one reason why humans suffered and consciously or unconsciously participate in a loophole of dissatisfaction and unhappiness might be perhaps because nothing can actually satisfy you or fill that gaping inside of you – until you fill it up yourself.  

The endless , sometimes senseless activities, be it alcohol – the binge drinking, the constant need to have company and attention, be it in the forms of friends, your lover, or different lovers, the drive for needing to have that next bag or car, the anticipation for that next big thing in your life, might only be one of the ways one fills up that feeling of emptiness and boredom inside of you.

Hence instead of living and participating fully and enjoying  your own company, instead of fully loving and adoring the person that you are, instead of having compassion for the person that you really are with all your perks and flaws, we wait for someone or something to do that for us.

Heck, if we got to admit something, or if I can say so for myself, I have lived my life trying to use every other situation, event, choices, and even people in my life, to make up and compensate for what I lack. 

Read again. 

 I have lived my life trying to use every other situation, event, choices, and even people in my life, to make up and compensate for what I lack. 

And I can certainly tell you that a lot of us do this, whether we are aware of it or not. 

As I proceed along this journey called Life, I began to realize that the things outside of me are not meant to compensate me by far. Rather, they are meant to add to me, to complement me. So to aid this explanation, picture a person who is already full of all the qualities they desire, and whatever they chooses to be, do or have, just serve to enhance and add to what they already have. 

While one might argue, “well right, but you know, that’s why we continuously learn and not everyone have the capacity to already be so full of self love, self respect and to be so whole and balanced that they do not need anything else to complete them.”

Of course, that is true, and that reflects a whole majority of us. However, it does not mean we should not make that our aim. 

Being a truly whole and balanced human being only serves one so much more than being half full, akin to walking and functioning on only half of your physical body functions. One is incapacitated unnecessarily when they can’t function and fully perform their roles out from a place of knowing that they are already complete within themselves, and that nothing, absolutely nothing, can take that away from them.

This means if you choose to get to know and to love someone, if that person simply doesn’t reflect the same level of love and care back to you, that will not undermine your sense of who you know that you are. One would just continue on with life as it is and proceed to know someone else who will ultimately begin to add on to and complement who he or she already is. Take note, there is no “needing someone else to complete me here”, unlike some love songs we hear about. 

This also means if one day, everything is to be withdrawn and taken from this same individual, be it her status in the society, her job, her health, her friends, money, assets, you name it, none of it will define her or matter as much to her, because underneath all the surface of everything mentioned, none of it is there to compensate her by any way shape or form. 

She would just proceed and move on with Life, and choose to be , do, and have, whatsoever else she chooses to have in her life.

In other words, when we choose to operate in a way where nothing is needed to make us feel better about ourselves, then are we fully free to make the choices we make, to flirt with Life, to  allow others to fully be themselves, and make the choices they make. 

Relationships will then began to truly be the Love relationships men has been searching for since the beginning of time. But maybe, Love, really do need to start from first, ourselves. 

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There are days when I succumb , there are days when I have seemingly failed.  But there are days when I just know, that everything is going exactly , accordingly , to Divine order and plan.

– Jassica Nia


Life is as such where it is exactly as how you make it to be. The problem is, you are so powerful in that however you choose to perceive Life, be it some things you’d think you’d be good at, some things maybe not or just so-so, some things which you’d fail at like money and relationships, some things which you’re exceedingly good at,..  you are absolutely 100% right.

And, hidden within this “problem”, is one of our biggest blessings, one which lay like a sword  in our hands for our wielding. 

Use this wrongly , we will severe and cut ourselves off from the flow, supply and abundance of Life. Use it rightly , we have within our disposal a mighty tool which can propel us forward in leaps and fold through Life.



You are your own testament to the truth of Life.

 Life is a never ending experiment. Each and everyday is an opportunity for you to witness what you believe is true , and each and everyday is a day where you can be of witness to what is truly possible.

As with all experiments, you might not get it right each and every day. But one thing that is for sure is, you will get better at it.

Life is really what we make it to be. We have been given the gift to think, to reason and to rationalize. Within this gift is another precious gift of choice. While there are times, and many of it, when we certainly seem to behave in a way where we are almost rendered helpless and powerless in the situation, there within it lies the opportunity of exercising the choice of pure “reaction”, or response which arises out from an inner sense of depth and wisdom.


What is “true” , is very subjective.  

We can all only personally experience what is true for us, while the other person next to you could be experiencing a whole different “truth” all together.

But the beauty is that, we do actually have a choice in choosing what is true for us.

When we begin to align with the Life principles of wholeness, joy, love, harmony, peace and goodwill, we will begin to reap whatsoever we choose to reflect upon.

When we turn away and resist all that which is good, all that which Life is,  we only experience whatever that we choose to resist.


 Who is God?

It is in here where we might then begin to see who is the real “thinker” in our personal Universe, what is it that we think is “God”. Who is that which is God, when we see our life events play out “as we greatly feared“, that what we expect and fear to be comes to pass. And if this is to be, why can’t it be the opposite?

 A lot of us can attest to ourselves seemingly having played a role in whatever life experience which is playing out. When we have good days, it can seem to get better. When we have bad days, it snowballs.

While there are instances and situations which we on our own have no explanations for, there is still the truth where a part of us definitely served a role in creating our own reality, experience, and life drama. 

And if this is to be the case, why not use this to its maximum benefit? Why not be our own evidence to what Life really is? Why not just consciously partake in that which is called Life, play and experiment?


Life Just Is.

Life just is. You are that which Life is.  Life only becomes dead when you make it to be so. Life is “what it is” when you make it to be that way. The statement “Life becomes an end as you grow older” is true only if you choose it be. Life gives you less opportunities as you age when you think that to be.  Life is dangerous and painful only when you perceive it be.


Be that which is eternal, to know what never dies.

Love, peace, harmony, good will, patience, kindness and humility are qualities that are eternal, and which never grow old. Continue being these qualities, and we will begin to know that which is eternal, and that which never dies, even as everything on the physical level fades away as it would do with time, the Laws of the Physical World. 


So what do you choose right now?

What do you choose to align with as part of your principles of Life?

What would you choose to perceive Life to be if you can opt to choose to see all as good, as love, peace, joy and harmony?

Would you choose any differently if you know that what you choose to contemplate and reflect upon eventually becomes You?

Would you choose differently if you know you can change what you call to be your “habit” and to be “You”? 

Be whatever that which we wish to experience in Life, and we will only then begin to experience more of it. 


The change starts with us.



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How Seeing My Deceased Father Again Healed Me


As featured in the Journeys of Life

I had a dream about my father who has long passed away close to 16 years ago. In fact, uncannily so, I had this dream 4 days to the anniversary date of his death on 19th February 2001. The dream was so vivid that I was compelled to write it down the moment I woke up.

More to the point, the dream was incredibly healing.

See, I never dream about my father. Ever. Not once since he passed on. In fact, my sisters would think that I must be an incredibly uncaring daughter who didn’t love our father enough to not even have one single dream about him.

Well, truth was, I had unresolved issues with my father.

It wasn’t something I was conscious about. It was just something that over the years, I swallowed it in and kept it in, piling layers and layers over the first initial wounds. I don’t even remember the actual reasons why I wasn’t too comfortable about my father, why when the mere topic about my father came up, I just brushed it away and shrugged it off, going about with my life like as though everything is okay.

Everything is okay. Except that I became just another wounded daughter who had issues with her dead father, and that with every other love relationship that comes into my Life, it is akin to slapping my face with what is missing in me, in relation to my long gone father.


The Negative Repercussions

In my case, I didn’t know that the reluctance for me to go back to my own hometown, the disdain I had for it, the occasional feeling, albeit intense feeling of feeling unloved and uncared for in my love relationships,… was partly due to the fact that there was this whole gap between me and dad. The feeling like something was missing, the feeling of abandonment when he died and left us, the feeling of resentment when I was told by my mum that I had to become the ‘father’ of the family, the responsibility and burden I felt because I was told that I had to take over and become the father.

While I could obviously have chosen to ignore and think otherwise back then, the fact remains was that I was too young to even understand it all. That, no it isn’t my responsibility nor was it my burden. Things were exactly as they were. That daddy had to go not because he didn’t love me, but because that was his own journey to take.

My dream really opened my eyes to how one small snippet of an inaccurate perception of a situation could have a huge chain reaction on how we all then go on to live our lives. How one feeling of abandonment, resentment and betrayal could have chain effects on how we respond to all our other relationships and to Life as a whole. How it could lead to the unhealthy seeking of love, acceptance, and understanding from outside of us, without realizing that it is what is within us which needs to be healed.

Being healed sounds almost cliché, but it is a real truth.

What we are often looking for on the outside in the physical world of form, actually has a Source from which it comes from, which is inside of us. When this place inside of us is not healed, not properly dealt with, it tends to show up in our lives in the form of less than comfortable feelings and situations, like relationships that are not what we wish it can be, situations which we prefer not to be in.


The Healing

This dream brought me to a point of complete acceptance, and a feeling of “completion” with my father. I was able to call him “Father” in mandarin, one singular word of “Ba”, a word I never uttered in the last 16 years of my life. When I woke up, I knew that whatever unresolved with my pops was finally resolved. The sense of unease I have with my hometown now is gone, and I now feel a sense of love and acceptance towards it.

I felt love, and loved by my father, complete fulfilling love inside of me filling me like golden warm elixir, peace of God.

I felt like home, like as though a gap within me has finally been filled, and I am held in this incredibly warm embrace of peace, comfort and security,

For the first time in ages,.. I felt proud to be called his daughter.

For the first time, I finally realized that home is no other place than what is already there inside of me.

Everything which haven’t worked in my relationships, all the pain, hurt and anger pales in comparison to this feeling. The need to be pursuing for love outside of me and for people to understand me suddenly falters away. It didn’t even matter anymore if people didn’t feel the same way towards me as I do them, and I suddenly seemed to be able to see what was toxic and not working in my life and felt completely at ease at letting it all go.

I suddenly saw that the love that I was looking for, the place of security and comfort which I used to think is outside of me, is all already there inside of me, and we can all access it, each and every one of us, if only we all know how to unlock the pent up valves within each of us that carries all our past pain and baggage.


The Home Run

Your relationships with others in your life are greatly affected by your relationship with the ones who brought you into this world, – your parents.

It wasn’t until this dream when this saying finally hit home. When after 10 long years of my spiritual journey, I finally, understood..

I am not saying to everyone that we should all try to heal our unresolved issues with our parents, but who knows, maybe it is worth a try.

One of the one ways to start is to understand that everyone is only behaving in ways that they know how to and they can only love in a way they know how. More often than not, it is a wiring in their brains, a conditioning they have had throughout all their lives causing them to have a narrow view/perspective of Life, a mental condition/illness, even genetic influence.

So if we really want to start pointing fingers, we will have to start going through the ancestral lines and if we are not behaving out of a solid conscious choice, who is there to forgive?

Maybe one day, we’d realize that forgiveness is not necessary, and only a mere understanding is required.


Making Peace

Sometimes we don’t understand why certain things happen, but what is true is the only one way we can deal with reality is to begin to make peace with the fact that we don’t know why things are as they are, and why people behave in ways that hurt us. The only way to become at peace, is to stop fighting reality, and be okay with whatever that arises in yours. Again that never means tolerating abuse in any way shape or form. Put up a hand, walk away if you have to. Do something about it where you can. But in situations where we really don’t seem to have a choice, it is often a wiser thing to do to acknowledge and make peace with What-Is, than fighting with it in your head and tarnish your inner space.

Life happens in the funniest of ways, in ways least unexpected. I certainly did not expect that healing would happen this way, in that I could be resolving a long standing issue I had with my father who has long gone through a dream.. but prior to this, neither did I realized how wonderfully healing it could be.

Jassica Nia

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Pain, Our Teacher



We all fear it. Pain can hurt so much, a lot of us will do anything to suppress it. We’d do anything we can to not feel it, and our coping mechanism is to get intoxicated in that one other “thing”, be it food, alcohol, substances, another relationship, work, just to get our minds off that very thing that is bothering us. Sure, we do have our moments where it is okay to let loose, indulge and live a little. We are all entitled to that, but as this article is suggesting, there is alot more to it than that.

What I have personally found for the past 2 years or so; from the passing away of my beloved pet and soulmate, the letting go of people I love, situations and events, the crumbling down of structures which I have always thought will be permanent in my life, the death of egoic structure identifications which had you falsely believe in that which is not actually real,… Pain, is better dealt with when you truly allow yourself to feel it fully, rawly, entirely, when you allow it to just be inside you. Even when it can feel like it is ripping you apart from inside. Even when your heart is feeling strong sharp stabs of pain which hurt so bad, you’d just want to curl up on the hard cold floor and wish it was all over.

As bad as that sounds though, I found that once attention is being brought to that pain instead of avoiding it and running away from it, it will begin to cease to be.

Pain is almost like a child wanting to be noticed.

Once you take notice and acknowledges it though, it stops being so vicious. Yes, it can get worse initially but it is just the flame of your attention highlighting and illuminating what’s not working within you, what’s painful within you, and ultimately what needs to be acknowledged and released within you. What is not acknowledged, not owned to be yours, cannot be dealt with fully and let go off as how it was always meant to be.

You can’t let go of that which you don’t declare as yours.

Pain is a part and parcel of Life.

It is also one of the ways which we are meant to evolve and grow, if we let it. Sometimes it can be all too much. But if we understand how it all works, it’s only there to show us what’s there within us that we need to heal. Even if you prefer not to think something’s wrong with you, look at it in a way that says that something is not working for you and in your life.

Pain is a useful indicator.

Negative emotions are powerful signs that something is up, and you need to have a good look at what’s up inside of you. When ignored, it just gets bigger and bigger, and the one thing you are “addicted” to, be it food, alcohol, sex, work, substance to cope with it will only become less effective over time. You will know when you always feel painfully empty inside of you despite all the seeming “good” have in your life.

Once pain is really embraced fully, the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” goes completely. However, quite frankly, they are only just words until you have really experienced it personally. That saying goes much deeper than the simplified meaning which has been given to it over time with repetitive usage by folks.

What breaks you, can make you stronger. But only if you deal with it the proper way.
When you allow yourself to feel it so fully, it almost feel like you’re dying in the process because it hurt so bad that words are too shallow to describe that feeling. When you have the strength to go into the flames, and allow the death of what you need to let go, the pain, the hurt, the anger and the fear.

That death could also be the ending of an expectation of something or someone, the ending of the resistance and inability to accept the ending of a situation or the passing away of a beloved, the ending of everything you ever thought was real. Within the ending however, that which is real will then begin to emerge.

It is only with the ending and ceasing away of what is not real that can then bring the truth to light.

Once that’s done though, you emerge from the other side, bigger, stronger. The cut, no matter how deep it was will begin to heal. The healing process has begun, if not already. The wound that was there before will begin to have the first signs of healing. You might feel bigger in love, stronger to hold the challenges that could come.

You might begin to feel more compassion for the people around you, and understand them for who they really are. You might begin to see through people and truly see them for who they are underneath the surface of the persona they decide to have for themselves.

You might also become more whole as a person where you are able to relate more to others, become more rounded as a human being, and ultimately become someone who is better and more deeply connected with the truth of Life.

At the end of it all, it will actually be all worth it. The journey will be worth it, and not only so, you will become more equipped to deal with what’s to come in a more genuine way – sometimes even without a bat of an eye, a shrug of a shoulder when it happens, indicating that you have clearly been through it all and done that, and all is actually, good.

Pain can be our teacher. If we let it. 


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How Acute Leukemia saved my Life

The lessons I have learnt from my condition has pretty much surfaced itself in a way where I can hardly begin to count it.

Fast forward 2 years plus later upon diagnosis, here I am, sat here typing on my laptop, with an entirely new and different perspective on Life, and most probably, a completely different person too, pre-diagnosis.

My health ordeal sparked off an internal journey to within. Deeper. And Deeper, smashing away to bits everything I have ever thought I knew. I realized I know nothing. And one of the life lessons are, I probably still know nothing. Every single thing which I thought mattered, no longer mattered that much. Everything I used to live for, completely dissolves itself away in front of my eyes.

The girl I thought I was, no longer exist.

It was time to be born anew.


Within every adversity, lies an Opportunity.

My condition did in fact give me a new opportunity, another chance at Life. I don’t know how I would be as a person now had I not been diagnosed with leukemia, forced to take necessary actions to prolong my life then, one by one, day by day, until I can be sure that I am perfect health again.

Right now, I relish at how I view life, and how I am able to keep in check things which used to bother me in daily life.

Mind you though, It hasn’t been an easy journey. Took me 2 years to get to this place. Difficult, is underestimating it. One of the biggest challenges I have had to encounter was battling with my own mind. Yet battle I did, and succeeded.

It was more than a necessity.

It was my lifeline.


Acknowledgement and Acceptance

However, one would be mistaken if battle and force was what made the ultimate solution reveal itself. The secret to the solutions which came over the prevailing 2 years of my life for the challenges which Life threw at me, arose out from a place of peace, fearlessness, and non resistance. The battle of the mind is necessary to keep you afloat, but there can come a time when all gets too much, and you are forced to look right at your fears, and acknowledge them exactly as they are.

In fact, one of the lessons I have learnt is to make peace with any situation that arises in any moment. Even if it is non-peace, anger, impatience, intolerance.

It was never about fighting fire with fire, but acknowledging, allowing, accepting, and merging with the shadow side and negative aspects of me, my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I learnt that transformation cannot be made happened. It can only be allowed to happen, when I stop fighting and resisting internally.

Yet these lessons only came little later. Thankfully, not too late.

Initially, I was afraid to die. I saw dying as failure. All that I could think at one point was, all my spiritual knowledge and all the ‘do-good-ing’ will render itself meaningless if I die. But little did I know then, that the acceptance of what I fear, was one of the necessary aspects to the solution I required then.

The acceptance of death.

A Knowing

I wouldn’t want to put into people’s mind that it was just a real strong belief that I can be well and healed of leukemia which was what did it nor would I recommend people doing what I did. The truth is, I don’t know for sure what did it. But what helped me recover from leukemia, was because I stumbled upon a traditional advanced Ayurvedic treatment. 6 months of chemotherapy sessions later, I decided that I have had enough of the invasive treatment.

I have had the guts, or perhaps, stupidity, to doggedly determinedly declare that I will heal without the said conventional treatment. I was determined to do it because deep down inside, I just had a knowing. That I could do this against all the odds of what was statistically known by modern science. 

And did it, I did. And recovered, I did.



If there is a one main thing which stands out in my whole entire journey, it is constantly learning over and over again to listen to the nudge from within, that internal “calling”. It is something which I can’t really pin point as to exactly what it is, but it is almost like as though my entire body knows, with every fibre of its being. Oftentimes, it shows up as an initial thought which faded away but remain behind the background of the “noise” of thoughts in my head. Other times, it remains as a feeling of discomfort which hovers inside my body, a feeling I can’t put a finger on. Almost like as though it’s a feeling of grey dust which flutters and rests in the insides of my chest and stomach.

The main message of that “feeling”, is a feeling of “No.”, “Don’t.”, or “Move.”, depending on what the situation is calling for.

I learnt that my body knows, before my mind could make sense of it. And I learnt more and more, although I was mocked for this once in a job interview, that I have an innate sense of people, things and situations, before I can absolutely consolidate it in my mind as a fact that is real.

The truth is, I still don’t get it all right, or get my life in a way which completely satisfies. However, if you know what I know, external situations can never satisfy you. Satisfaction and contentment is a trait one has to develop internally for true fulfilment in life. It is an interesting way of living. Yet when one gets in touch with this, you might then begin to realize that most external pursuits are done in a way which is back to front. You might then realize that you can begin to pursue something externally, not because you want it to fulfil you or a need inside of you, but just because…. No other reason, then just because it is fun, because it is something you find interesting, because you’d like to see how it can contribute to your natural expansion and evolvement as a human being.

Constant Evolution. Constant Expansion.

It is in the nature of Life and Nature itself, in that change is programmed in its DNA. Constant evolution. Constant expansion.

To live against this programming, would set one up for trouble. Because then you will fight against change when change and evolving itself, is wired into your own DNA. We are not meant to remain stagnant. In fact, we are meant to evolve. To become even better than we were in the previous moment before. To see if you could handle things better and in a different way. To see if your previous thoughts and behaviour is benefitting you or not. To question old ways of behaving and thinking. And to understand the implications of this, I believe will benefit not only you, but humanity at large.

And this is where Life has gotten me to at this point.



Ever Evolving. Ever Expanding. 

Where my condition has brought me to today, through all its twists and turns, through all the eventual daily life challenges which a condition like mine would spark off like financial dramas, every single one of that has brought about the realization that nothing is really ever as bad as it seems. A situation can never be so bad, that it is the end of the world, that it has to ruin your life so badly that it bothers you day in, day out.

When I was diagnosed, I often wondered why I made my life a living hell with all those iggledy pickledy things which worries me day and night before, why I have had the tendency to be concerned about things which are so insignificant, that when I was unwell and dealing with larger problems, every one of those things seemed so small.

Yet, up till now, Life continuously remind me of this way of living. My diagnosis has lead me onto a pathway, where I am constantly reassessing and readdressing the way I look at life.

I begin to live in a way where I constantly remember what really matters. And the truth is, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t choose to live my life any other way than how I am now, or change a thing about what happened because if it never happened, I would probably be just exactly how I was as a person, living a solidly miserable existence, never knowing how Life could really be – even if its just a glimpse of it; Fearlessness. Boldness. Courage. Strength. Fulfilment. Ever Evolving… and Ever Expanding.


Note: For those who might not fully understand what I am referring to when I talk about presence and acceptance, I learnt about them from Eckhart Tolle. 


P.S: I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you know of  anyone going through something similar? Have you had direct experience with a condition/illness? Do you have to care for someone who is going through a severe illness? What are your thoughts on that? Has your thoughts on how Life should be lived changed? Let me know in the comments below, and if you like what you read, subscribe for more of such articles 🙂 


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My Planet, My Concerns


A simple thought provoking question first.


Could we last for another 100 years?


The talk on Global Warming was a topic I honestly never thought I’d come to a point of even beginning to share and talk about. This was never something that interested me, and I always thought like few of my friends, that the Earth has its way of rebalancing itself, and all will be well, irregardless. Until one day, as Life had it, it shoved some people and information my way showing me the probability of less-than-positive-light on the eventual outcome of the Earth. (For example, watching “Before The Flood”: by Leonardo Dicaprio)

So, here are couple points.

Our generation, people my age, are the ones who will directly feel the effects of what has been done and what is being done. It will unfold in our time, in the next 20, 30, 40 years to affect us, my children, and my grandchildren, directly. 


My Vain Optimism

Now I am an optimistic person.

When I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, I was utterly convinced to the point of being accused irresponsible and irrational that I will recover despite all statistical evidences that suggests that I probably won’t last another 5 years. I am still going at 2 and a half, and I am in much better health than before. Whether I will last another 3 years is not as important a question as knowing, whether I am fully recovered from this disease or not because I am, thanks to a traditional advanced ayurvedic treatment.

So here, you can see, I am as optimistic as it can get. And I benefitted from that positivity. But I don’t really fancy what I am seeing when I get myself educated with global warming and climate change. While I am an avid believer of the fact that what you don’t know can’t harm you anyway, but had I not gotten myself checked in the hospital and taken practical steps, all the while remaining overwhelmingly optimistic, probably I would more than likely be dead by now.

Hence, there is the fine line where you thread and balance by educating yourself with known facts , and dealing with the information so you can get the best final outcome.


Dealing With The Information

For us positive thinkers, it is all good being positive and doing light work and visualizations, and avoiding negative news. But the real truth is, if we are all wanting to truly be of help and service, we need to be able to sort through the data and facts presented to us by science, and having the emotional maturity and wisdom to deal with it.

I don’t agree with fear promotion, and showing up with too much negative statements like saying “Oh, you might get cancer tomorrow.” I don’t agree with doing scare tactics.  I don’t believe in having such a negative viewpoint and perspective of anything at all because that is not how it works.

I know that had I not have the belief that I will recover from acute leukemia and with a non invasive treatment , I would have continued on with chemotherapy, and that, quite frankly, would not have benefitted me. Believe me when I say that at that point, options for other therapies and treatments were close to none. Alternative treatments which would cure other stage 4 cancers did not give even an inkling of a hint that they could help mine. Yet I managed to find a treatment that would assist me to where I am today.

So here I say, “Anything is possible.” and it will serve us well for us to continue in this light.


But here is where I feel we need to work on. 

Getting acquainted with information on climate change.

When we get educated, I can tell you, it will push you right out of your comfort zone. You might get angry with what you find. You might get fearful. But that’s ok.

It’s important to acquaint yourself with facts and reality and it’s ok to feel emotional i.e angry or fearful with what we find. But that is where awareness starts, and it is only with awareness when we can do something about changing the mindset and therefore the situation.  

I don’t see myself as an intelligent person where I can scientifically make a difference. I am quite simple really. But, I can’t help but feel that if I could just practise presence, be something of a frequency holder, whilst at the same time, if I can write about this, then I’ll write about it to just bring alittle bit more awareness and tap into something that’s in all of us. 

There are little things that we can all do, for instance, awareness of the things we consume. Could the awareness in the choices we make , make a much bigger difference? 


What You Do, Makes a Difference

Our awareness, bringing awareness, could make a huge difference. This is our urgent task. Also remember, governments follow public opinions. And maybe that’s where the real change will happen.

Even though science might paint a very bleak picture, it doesn’t stop us from being able to feel optimistic about the possibilities of what solutions could come. But a real awareness of the problem is more likely to bring about a solution, than by burying our heads in the sand, because there is very little doubt based on the facts that are coming through, that we are headed towards a catastrophe.


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What If Tomorrow Never Comes?

This has become one of my favourite question of contemplation. And while it might sound depressing, it actually isn’t and can be one of the most awakening and enlightening question ever asked.

So, here I ask you, What If, Tomorrow Never Comes?

I would like to invite you on this opportunity to contemplate this question now and view it as a reality which is more than likely a possibility.

So, with this, two things can arise. 

First, you might begin to feel fear because you don’t know what will happen. You might begin to feel the fear of dying.

Second, there might come the regret that you haven’t done what you wanted to do, said what you wanted to say, all the opportunities you might have missed or seen fly past your face.

But every adversity comes with an opportunity. 

It is here where I invite you to take this opportunity to see that, all that was, has happened. It is in the past, and there is nothing you can do about it except accepting as it is, acknowledging it and moving on with it now. Regretful though it can be, or as painful as it can feel, the fact remains is you are here now. And so upon considering all of that, here are some another questions:

How would your perception of everything change?

How would your outlook on life be different?

How would you react to things happening in this very moment?

How would your outlook on your entire life up till this very moment of now be different?

And lastly, the million dollar question:

If Today, is All You Have, what would you do, think, behave, or say, given “Now”, is all that you have?

Once you have met with your fear, one of three things can happen either by itself, or progressively.

First, the Denial of the fear.

This will result in you telling yourself, that the likelihood of “Tomorrow never comes’ will never happen anyway. At least not now.

Two, You decide that this question is too much to handle.

Of course, this is okay. Most people rather not face this question because it can be too much. Yet all it takes is just some gentle pondering. Baby steps.  The truth is, you can give it up now, but you will have to come back to this at some point anyway. And the not so nice truth is, Death, is the inevitable. Perhaps, rather than trying to avoid the topic of “Death”, we might as well look at it directly. We might as well die early. And by that, I mean, not physically , but meeting with the possibility of death now, conceptually.

Three. The journey of accepting, acknowledging and working with the true source of Fear begins.

We all live our lives with fear. Fear of something happening to us. Fear of a disaster in the form of a physical accident, natural disaster, sickness, loss of jobs, breaking up of a relationship, bankruptcy, loss of a roof over our heads, loss of stature and position within the society, and the fear of physical death of yourself and all of whom that you love. But looking beyond all that is, underneath it, is the fear of us losing everything that we have ever known, the fear of everything that we think is ‘Us’, the identity that you think is ‘You’ being utterly and completely shattered and ripped away from you.

We fear death itself.

Our mind, consisting of all of whom we think we are, what we think to be our personality, and all that it encompasses including material possessions, is so fearful of losing all of these attachments that it will do literally anything to hold on to it. That’s why we fight so hard in our daily lives, we push, we strive, we’d do anything just to hold on to this identity we have created, all of which actually, is just an illusion.

My Glimpse through the Window of Death

I have the opportunity to glimpse through the window of Death whilst I was in hospital. It was more than just a mere possibility. Anything could happen. I heard that a woman few rooms down passed through the night out of an “unexpected” after surgery complication. The “unexpected” was not accounted for. That woman never had the opportunity to see through the night.

That’s when I realized I might not even wake up tomorrow.

Now that incident has made me realized the truth.  That upon lying on your deathbed, or in my case, in a hospital bed, immobilized, helplessly weak and in pain, I. Have. Nothing.” That everything I ever thought I have is just like the whiff of the smell of a perfume passing by on a breeze. I never had anything. I never owned anything, and I will never be able to take anything with me if I were to die now.  

Everything that I have sought to hold on to, my relationships, my position in society, money in the bank, my identity, is all gone. It never truly mattered. What was left and what was real at that point in time was my physical body that was diagnosed with a condition called Acute Leukemia. I was left with nothing but regrets of what I have not done with my life. Regrets that I was so hard on myself, regrets that I have lived the whole of my life up till then being incredibly inauthentic and small, regrets that I have tried to live my life trying to live up to other people’s expectations and needs, and not mine.

This ripping away of attachments and the illusion of my identity, continued on during the process of recovery where I continued to “die before I die”, looking and reconsidering what really matters for me and my Life. 2 years later now, I am finally able to talk about it, and meet with the possibility of death. Which is why I now speak about it and encourage everyone else to do the same.

What Truly Matters

Meeting with death, before your actual death can be the most liberating experience one ever have.

Why? Because you do away with what is not real. And then what is left behind, will be more than just a precious stone. It will be the jewel of the source of Life, the elixir of Life, and the one thing which never dies.

What is real, can never be destroyed. And that is the essence of who we are inside of us. That one constant factor which is still there when everything else fades away. The constant factor that which is the real You.

When Tomorrow never comes, all there is left is You. The You that comes out once you do away with the false self that consists of all your fears and insecurities, when you realized what truly matters in Life.

If Tomorrow Never Comes, you will begin to see that what truly matters. And what truly matters is the here and now. What truly matters is showing up fully in this very precious moment that you have and giving it everything you’ve got, and appreciating every second, and every moment you have. It doesn’t matter what you have not done, nor what you should have done. It doesn’t matter if you are completely bankrupt, and your lover left you. It doesn’t matter who betrayed you nor who stolen from you. Because all that is past and gone, and you might not even have a tomorrow.

That is dying before you die. Yet if one were to truly begin live this way, they will then begin to see Life as what it is. Instead of living in a routine and dying in the process, living will become one of the most amazing things that have happened to you. You live like there is no tomorrow. 

Everything will become worth living for.

Another Invitation to Life

So here is another invitation for you to contemplate the questions of how you would live your life herein onwards after contemplating ‘What if Tomorrow Never Comes’ .

What would you do, given you have now considered another aspect of reality which you have probably never touched on before?

What decisions would you make, given what you know now?

What thoughts would you choose to think, given what you know now?

Would you make more conscious decisions on doing things that you have always wanted to do?

Would you live your life in a different way?

How would you live your life, if you are given the chance to choose again?

How would you choose to live your life, after having even the slightest glimpse, through the window of Death itself…?

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Live Like You Are Walking A Tightrope Across Niagara Falls


The other day, I wrote a post on “Getting Over Depression”, but for some reason, did not share it out there. I am all for sharing my experiences, and letting people out there who might be going through the same thing know that they are not alone. However right now, truth is, I am feeling alot less than an inspirational and a self help preacher. Still, stay with me, because you might still gain something out of this post on Living Life. And look, this is just how it is. Life journey at it’s best. Even during the down times, there is beauty in it. So if you are really going through a similar situation, just know that you are not alone. I can bet at least someone within your circle, someone whom you know might very well be going through the same thing.

Keep going.

I found that in the midst of life throwing lemons at you, one of the best thing to do is to keep going, and my way of keeping going is to get involved in something that I really enjoy doing.

I’ll be frank, my situation is abit of a precarious one. I have a love for many things, yet at the same time, at the moment, my current truth is I do not wish to be tied down to anything, or rather, I am not sure if I’d want to be.  After almost 2 years 5 months in, recovering from acute leukemia, I feel like I am like a baby chick just born into this world. Many choices, many decisions to make. It is a quest for myself to find out who I really am, what I want to do, what I really want to pursue, who I want to Be, and what I’d like to redefine myself to be.

Let’s face it.

I am no longer the same person I knew or thought myself to be.

It feels like a complete reborn, with past shackles slowly coming off me, and me redefining who I want to be. Life is a constant evolution, growth and expansion, and I am personally witnessing that for myself. While it can be extremely uncertain and the not knowing where I am going absolutely drive me nuts at times, I have to say that being an observer to my own life can be quite satisfying as well.

So here’s what I have been up to:

Engaging myself with what I love as much as possible 



Breakfast/brunch lately has been a special affair given the scenes I would have set up before hand for a photoshoot. When you finally sit down after about 50 takes of shots, it’s one of those moments where despite all that is going on, you just feel really grateful to be alive. Plus, the weather has been quite kind recently over here.

I do so love the mornings, when the occasional whisper of the morning breeze gently touches my face from time to time, always seemingly trying to remind me to stay present in the current moment where all the magic is.


That’s also where I learnt that Spirit, or a Higher Power speaks to you through Nature.

If you are open to hear it.




So here’s a simple, short little something of what I have since been applying into my life:

Live every moment like as though I am walking a tightrope across Niagara Falls. 

And no I am not saying to live in fear. What I really mean, is to be fully engaged with your senses, to be fully in the moment. When you are in such a risky situation, where a single wrong step can be fatal, that’s really the point when you will be fully, thoroughly, absorbed in the moment. 





That’s the moment when you truly engage with Life.




Yet, you do not need such an intense situation to begin engaging with Life and its wonders.

In my experience, when I am fully absorbed in every action, fully present with all my 5 senses, that’s when I can truly see and feel the essence behind everything. Life becomes even more special. The trees look greener, the brown woody colour of my table looks even more enhanced. When I look out the window,  I sense the magnificence of the towering buildings which I have been looking at for the past 5 years, which was once just ‘another’ ordinary building to me. Everything around me looks even more 3D. That’s also what happens when you see something or someone who takes your breath away. Even just for that one instant.

I found that when you look at something without any conscious or unconscious inner commentary or judgement, when you become aware or conscious enough of the running train of your thoughts, it is when you begin to truly look at something, like as though you have seen it for the first time. Like as though you are looking at something with a new, fresh pair of eyes. Try this on a person and see what happens. It can be interesting. 

Of course, that is just my experience.

I always say to people, you cannot truly know something until you have tried it out for yourself.  Until it becomes your experience. Until it becomes your truth.

So begin by getting out of your mind, and don’t run away with your usual thoughts and the feelings which comes with it. They will be there  and you probably can’t stop them. But what you can do, is to just allow them to be. Look at your thoughts from the perspective of an observer in the background, but don’t judge them. It is what it is.

With enough practice, you might realize that you are thinking a thought, but that you can also disengage from it. When you do that, you will find that you can allow your thoughts, feelings to arise and be as they are, without letting them run your life, and taking you over. Also, often times, our thoughts, conscious and unconscious judgments mask up the true experience which you are meant to be experiencing in any given moment.

And in every present moment, there is much magic and power awaiting for you to realize it, and to know that to be so


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Simple Pleasures of Life and it’s Lessons

Sometimes, when Life is a little bit more difficult to deal with, it’s far more easier said than done to try to appreciate the simple things that comes with daily life.

Life has been especially tricky with me, and the past 2 years of my life has not been the easiest. Other than going through a series of life challenges thrown my way, I have learnt so many things along the way, one of them include really growing up, and I mean, really,.. and while learning to grow up, also learning how to dig my heels into the ground and say ‘No‘.

Having been a person who was into inspirational quotes (and still is), and indeed, all my quotes came through during one of my life challenges when I was forced to be confined at home due to a treatment I was doing to heal my condition (confinement, and quarantine do, do you wonders.), what I have found is, it will, if you are able to absorb the message of it. But for some of us, or even more specifically so, me,.. during other types of life challenges, those darn inspirational quotes not only didn’t bloody work, but they made me even more pissed at the world.

Oh well. Life is as such.

But see, the thing is, sometimes, there is beauty in the horrible, ugly side of Life. What I have learnt, is that most times, when I struggled and experienced one of those dog-gone tantrums and inner conflict was because I didn’t trust my heart and go along with the first feelings which arises even before the entire situation came into full throttle and slaps you across the face when you realized that you were right all along.

Sometimes, it’s really that easy. Maybe we got to learn to trust ourselves much more.. I bet you might be saying, well, I decided to trust myself,.. and I got myself into trouble. Well yes, if you consider people disagreeing with you and being upset with your thoughts, opinions, and decisions, trouble. Perhaps we ought to distinguish between trouble, and growth. As written in one of the books from my favourite author Neale Donald Walsch, Conversation with God Book 2. (No it’s not the kind of God that you know. You’d probably either really enjoy and have a good laugh with this book, or recoil in absolute shock and horror haha.)

A lot of people whom I know considers me as someone who knows a great deal of spiritual growth, and someone who is very much equipped with the New Age and spiritual knowledge. Well, as far as I know anyway. But this post is to perhaps inform everyone that I don’t know anymore than I do before, – perhaps I know even less now. Life has brought me to a place of realizing that I know nothing,.. that Life is an experience. At one point, you think you got it all covered but in the next, you realized that all that you know are not only a load of bullocks but useless in being able to bring you to a point of feeling a little more better about yourself.

I have been extremely blessed for the opportunity to have recovered from my acute diagnosis of acute leukemia. I know I am meant for much more than what I have lived, and what I am currently living. In the midst of this knowing however, there is a great deal of learning, realizing, experiencing, threading the line, falling off the rope, climbing back up again, and repeat. I realize that I can only be a teacher in my own way of being, and behaving instead of words, and even this, I realized that I do fail from time to time again.

But what is failure, really?

I believe we fail only when we fail to be truthful to ourselves, to be honest with ourselves, and to fall short of being in integrity with ourselves. Even that however, is not entirely failure. You can only begin to learn from such experiences.

So the phrase ‘I have failed.’ is rather redundant. Rather, asking yourself ‘What is Failure to you?’ will serve you much more. From there, do yourself the favour and investigate if failure to you means falling short of other’s expectations of you, or, your own expectations of you. If you are living your life of the former, I highly suggest you to reevaluate your life unless you want to live your entire life living up to other people’s expectations of you which let me tell you, you will never ever be able to even begin to fulfill those expectations. However, don’t think you are off the hook either if failure to you means you failed to live up to your own expectations of you. Because that within itself spells a life of misery and doom arising out of unnecessary stress caused by the disease of perfectionism.

Oh will you look at that, we have gone a little out of topic so back on topic.

When I realized that I know nothing, not only is it one of the most scariest thing, but it renders a sense of loss, of everything that you have known and ever believed in. Probably because all the techniques which you are trying to apply to make yourself feel better are not working. And quite frankly, that’s okay too, feeling like you know nothing. It’s better to know nothing, than think you know the world, and remain stagnant wherever you are because you’re too arrogant to learn anymore.

Plus, I have no proper answer which might satisfy one who has a need for the perfect answer. The one way I know to make it easier for those of us in these circumstances , and might prolly’ even save your life is to take the easiest way out. Take the route that doesn’t restrict and restrain you emotionally. It might mean you needing to be entirely upfront and honest about your feelings. It might need you to walk away from the current situation you are in, like a job, or a relationship… I don’t know, but I am spelling out things which I have personally walked away from. And indeed, I have walked away from quite a number of things in my life and I will be lying if I say there is no drama after that.

But let me put it this way, drama comes when someone else disagree with you and tries to voice out their own opinions and feelings which might spell double trouble in the form of a huge ass argument or quarrel. Not something we all necessarily like or want to deal with, but it is also something that means growth. Not the arguments I mean, but growth is harnessed in your ability to be able to handle such disagreements and dramas, and your ability and courage to speak up for yourself.

Oh, and remember, if you don’t speak up for yourself, no one else would.

And if all else fails, perhaps chill, and have a drink, coffee, tea – whatever floats your boat. Though, I wouldn’t suggest alcohol because it has a way of making you feel worse the day after. The simple pleasures in life sometimes are already there for us to bask in, if we allow ourselves to get out of our minds, and just enjoy whatever that is in front of you in that moment.

You know, since you are already feeling bad, you might as well try something else, don’t you think? Rather than allowing your mind to go merry-go-round like a hamster on a wheel on that goddamn issue.


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Why Dishonesty kills, and Integrity wins.


From my recent experience of Life, I have come to see that, that is a very common way of being wherein people feel that it is necessary to say something which is less than the truth, all in the name of survival.

As you already might know, telling the truth, and being honest isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do. It stems from the fear of what others might think of you, and it relates to our natural human desire to want to be socially accepted and fitting in. And what’s more, in the career line, and corporate society, it seems to me that it is more for the sake of being able to get that next promotion, or to get a better ‘deal’ if you like. It is for the sake of pleasing the other person who is higher up the rankings than you, so you can get yourself in their rated ‘A’ book.

Gosh, what a way to live.

Now, I realized I have changed much for as I grew older, I realized my capacity to say ‘no’ grew as well.
I stopped being willing to say ‘yes’ to things that goes against my gut feeling. I stopped filling my brain with countless doubts of ‘Am I wrong?, What did I do?’, to looking at things in an overall context, and preventing myself as much as I can, to be a victim of another’s moods.

That does not prevent me however to feel like as though I am caught in the scheme of things of being compromised because other people have a way of being and behaving which is completely unlike mine.

(Anyone else feels the same way?)

So for a while, I felt this ultimate sense of discomfort which gnaws at my gut and my heart. My facial skin definitely shows for it because I broke out in pimples far more than I could count in the last 2 months.

Now, here’s the thing.

I am a lover of the New thought, age old knowledge and wisdom, and indeed, it has helped me through my darkest times. However, what I have found is that sometimes, such New age or spiritual advice or wisdom has been overly abused where it is completely misunderstood and hence used wrongly.

So let’s talk about the age old advice of the New Age proclaimed “Self-love”; in the form of Integrity, in the context of Transparency, Truth and Honesty with yourself.

Now this is not about some overly abused New age or spiritual morally justified theory of ‘I love and accept myself, so I don’t need to care about what others think of me and so I am going to do my own thing, and you do yours.’. Nor is it about some fighting for the survival for your own personal viewpoints by insisting that you are right and others are wrong.

No, rather, this is a balanced, all rounded, grounded approach in managing your own values and expectations while at the same time being able to navigate your way around your daily life and relationships, and sometimes this really involves putting your feet down, and a hand up saying ‘Sorry, I can’t do this.’

Ultimately, it is up to you as to what you personally desire to uphold as personal principles and values.
For me, given my tolerance of dishonesty, and less than the truth and transparency has drastically reduced, I am much less willing to say or do anything that does not reflect the truth, even if the truth might not sound pretty. Nor am I willing to undertake anything which goes against the boundaries I have set for myself hence saying ‘No‘ has become a common occurrence recently.

And quite frankly, the sleepless nights ain’t worth it.

So let’s dissect a few simple ways on why the title of this article is at it is.

Why Dishonesty kills?

Who do you have to live with for the rest of your life when you push against your own integrity?

Who lives with that burden of guilt, shame and blame?


And we all know all of that creates some psychological impact on our mind and soul, which then can have a not so wonderful impact on our bodies.

And Why Integrity wins?

With enough integrity and value for yourself and what you uphold, I.e your principles and values, you will be more aware of situations where your integrity, self-honor might be wavered and therefore, you will be likely more inclined to put yourself in a better position to be able to handle it.

Oh, and you have nothing to hide. #SelfConfidenceTipNo.1

Also, why do you want to live with all the mental discomfort which dishonesty brings?

Listen folks, this is a touchy subject I agree, with being honest and transparent with yourself and others. I can already hear people saying ‘She ain’t know what she talkin’ about’ but seriously, take it from me.’
Nothing is worse than going against yourself, going against integrity with you, your principles and values, and being dishonest with you. And once you’re become good at being honest with you, I can bet that you will become a bit more uncomfortable with not being honest with others as well. So, you might want to start telling the truth to others as well then.

The more we do this, the more we get better at it. And if the more of us start doing this, the more we begin leveling out the playing field in the corporate world and in all your relationships too. And once being honest and transparent becomes a society norm, the world will then become a little bit better, if not a better place.

Being in integrity has resulted in a sense of lightness, freedom, instead of the feeling of burden and heaviness which have engulfed the author her whole adult life. Also, she sleeps better, lives a little more care freely without all the guilt and burden, and does not have to deal much with those horrible huge pimples breaking out overnight.


Jassica Nia xx

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