Here is a raw, unedited version of an intended “Note to self’ one mid morning, on 14th October 2016, some days before or after, ( can’t remember which) I made one of the bigger decisions in my life and I thought I share it. This is highly personal, something I didn’t think I would share at any point, but then again, being personal is part and parcel of me. So if you want to know what and how my thoughts run at any point in time, here’s what it somewhat looks like on a daily basis.
I woke up one fine Monday morning to a really queasy stomach which was either from the wine I had the night before – or due to a feeling that came because of a realization I had before I fell asleep.
Granted, my alcohol tolerance has drastically reduced since my younger days of massive drinking. However I also knew that the feeling I was feeling at that moment was a feeling of realization, not a very comfortable one, in fact, one that I am not sure how to sit with.
It was a realization that people, things, situations, and events one chooses to actively participate in are not here to compensate you for what you think is your miserable existence, but to add to you and who you already are.
While that knowledge is a well known fact amongst self lovers, and people keenly practicing what is known as spiritual development and self help development, however wait till you practice this in the love department.
The one reason why humans suffered and consciously or unconsciously participate in a loophole of dissatisfaction and unhappiness might be perhaps because nothing can actually satisfy you or fill that gaping inside of you – until you fill it up yourself.
The endless , sometimes senseless activities, be it alcohol – the binge drinking, the constant need to have company and attention, be it in the forms of friends, your lover, or different lovers, the drive for needing to have that next bag or car, the anticipation for that next big thing in your life, might only be one of the ways one fills up that feeling of emptiness and boredom inside of you.
Hence instead of living and participating fully and enjoying your own company, instead of fully loving and adoring the person that you are, instead of having compassion for the person that you really are with all your perks and flaws, we wait for someone or something to do that for us.
Heck, if we got to admit something, or if I can say so for myself, I have lived my life trying to use every other situation, event, choices, and even people in my life, to make up and compensate for what I lack.
I have lived my life trying to use every other situation, event, choices, and even people in my life, to make up and compensate for what I lack.
And I can certainly tell you that a lot of us do this, whether we are aware of it or not.
As I proceed along this journey called Life, I began to realize that the things outside of me are not meant to compensate me by far. Rather, they are meant to add to me, to complement me. So to aid this explanation, picture a person who is already full of all the qualities they desire, and whatever they chooses to be, do or have, just serve to enhance and add to what they already have.
While one might argue, “well right, but you know, that’s why we continuously learn and not everyone have the capacity to already be so full of self love, self respect and to be so whole and balanced that they do not need anything else to complete them.”
Of course, that is true, and that reflects a whole majority of us. However, it does not mean we should not make that our aim.
Being a truly whole and balanced human being only serves one so much more than being half full, akin to walking and functioning on only half of your physical body functions. One is incapacitated unnecessarily when they can’t function and fully perform their roles out from a place of knowing that they are already complete within themselves, and that nothing, absolutely nothing, can take that away from them.
This means if you choose to get to know and to love someone, if that person simply doesn’t reflect the same level of love and care back to you, that will not undermine your sense of who you know that you are. One would just continue on with life as it is and proceed to know someone else who will ultimately begin to add on to and complement who he or she already is. Take note, there is no “needing someone else to complete me here”, unlike some love songs we hear about.
This also means if one day, everything is to be withdrawn and taken from this same individual, be it her status in the society, her job, her health, her friends, money, assets, you name it, none of it will define her or matter as much to her, because underneath all the surface of everything mentioned, none of it is there to compensate her by any way shape or form.
She would just proceed and move on with Life, and choose to be , do, and have, whatsoever else she chooses to have in her life.
In other words, when we choose to operate in a way where nothing is needed to make us feel better about ourselves, then are we fully free to make the choices we make, to flirt with Life, to allow others to fully be themselves, and make the choices they make.
Relationships will then began to truly be the Love relationships men has been searching for since the beginning of time. But maybe, Love, really do need to start from first, ourselves.